THE ADVENTURES OF FEESIX
Once upon a time, in a land halfway over the mountains and across the paramagnetic bridge, there lived an assortment of fairytale characters ranging from magical to seemingly ordinary. Of course, who’s to say what’s normal and to be quite honest these characters were anything but normal, but I digress. Let’s return to the story. The characters spent their afternoon hours locked in a hot, stuffy room with bare walls and narrow slits for windows. A curse had been laid on them, chaining them to massive, cumbersome textbooks until, by sheer brilliance or the sort of random chance that gave primordial ooze the ability to compose symphonies—the improbability of which undergoes no significant change no matter what your worldview since it is really no chance at all—they solved The Physics Problem.
It was day 1,589. (They had pretty much given up hope of finding the right answer five minutes into day two.) However, through the efforts of the social activists of the group, they still met and tried to figure out The Physics Problem. The Princess—for the story has to have a princess—would sit down with her Guard and several other humanoids and proceed to discuss the convoluted sort of logic that might possibly lead to the answer. Most felt but such sessions were perfectly futile. These meetings were often interrupted by the bleating of a sheep. Of course no one ever tried looking through the massive physics books attached to their ankles, wrists, or hooves because… well… I don’t know why, they just didn’t. Those who had at one time or another happened to accidentally open the book insisted it was written in a foreign language—possibly Lithuanian—although others said it was Austrailian or Elvish. The Bard, overhearing these ideas, immediately proceeded to compose a score on the absurdities of language, which he never got a chance to perform because his references to Elvish were immediately challenged by a Confrontational Elf. Did I mention there was also a giant? The giant, for no apparent reason, liked to turn people upside down. With all these distractions, it isn’t surprising that the real breakthrough came on day 1,590.
The day started out just like all the others… [Irritatingly sweet strumming music plays as the scene blurs, only to refocus in on the Alchemist in his pointy hat. He is mumbling to himself as he writes numbers on a long, narrow strip of paper that he is weaving into the familiar shape of a piecrust.]
“…15926… Giant, where did you put the tape? I can’t make pie if the sequence is out of order.”
“Huh? What did you say?” The Giant looked down from his task of taping a sheep to the ceiling. “Oh, you’re trying to change more strips of paper with numbers into a pie. Don’t expect me to try it this time, the last one turned out to be coconut-mayonnaise.”
“Just give me the tape!”
The Giant reluctantly handed it over, but the moment he turned the sheep fell from the ceiling and metamorphosed into a bug that proceeded to crawl into the Giant’s wallet. It had been a strange day. Magic was in the air. A girl whose voice had hinted that she was part bird was now flying around the room in the form of a raven and just a few hours ago the Alchemist had accidentally turned one of his friends into a Lemur. A flash went off and another boy spontaneously turned into a sheep. The Giant picked up the new sheep and contemplated adhering it to the ceiling with crazy glue. Unfortunately this was a big sheep.
Over in the other corner of the room, the Elf and a Character in Disguise argued over the ethics of capital punishment. The Lemur sat perched on the Elf’s shoulder and was massaging his neck. As they argued, the illegible scribbles that occasionally appeared on the board became more intense but the characters took no notice. It was a well know fact that the room was haunted by an Invisible Apparition. None could see or hear the Apparition but some interacted with it. The writing appeared regardless of whether or not anyone paid attention but if a character fell asleep, the Apparition would quietly haunt their dreams. There all knew there were days when it really just wanted to throw a marker or two at them.
On the other side of the room, the Princess was talking to two of her Ladies.
Only one character who, for lack of a better name, we’ll call S—(2), occasionally glanced at the apparition’s writing. “No, that’s wrong,” he said, more to himself than the Apparition. “That last line should be…” he looked at the book but instead of seeing the formula, there was a hole. “What happened to the page?”
“I was hungry,” replied the bug inside the Giant’s wallet. Everyone ignored him.
“Let me see your book,” he said to the Bard, who had to dig it out of a pile of drawings. This book also had a piece of the page missing. They checked the books of half a dozen sleeping characters but not one had a complete page. In the end, they took this matter to the Princess.
“Guys, listen…” the Guard shouted to get their attention and woke several of them up, then stepped aside so the Princess could speak.
“No one has the missing page?”
The others shook their heads.
“And this page is important?”
S—(2) said it was.
“Then we shall have to venture out and yes, even brave the TESes, to find this missing pieced of the page…” As the Princess spoke, the Invisible Apparition furiously scribbled, circled, and drew arrows on the board.
“TESes?” asked one of the Ladies in Waiting.
“Time Eating Spiders,” replied the Guard. The Lady shuddered. It was a well know fact that Time Eating Spiders were the worst enemies of students… and fairytale characters. They alone were responsible for the disappearance of many hours in each day. By this time the Invisible Apparition was wildly waving her arms and practically doing jumping jacks.
“…And so, let us venture forth and go out into the world to find this missing page. It is time to begin our quest and put an end to this curse!” The Princess’s words rang out, echoing off the bare walls. Inspired by her confidence and her amazing speech, the characters took up their Physics books and followed her out the door. The Invisible Apparition slumped against the wall, then gathered herself together and followed the last character into an unfamiliar world of concrete.
They had not been wandering about for long when the group was attacked by a ferocious gang of TESes. Fortunately, the Princess saw them coming and managed to weave a magical spell that gave some of the spiders braids and miniskirts. For the first time in the history of their species, the TESes were distracted and the characters escaped unharmed.
“Why don’t we split up into groups so we can cover more ground?” the Giant suggested after several hours of wandering. Then he looked around. “Oh, never mind. I guess we’re on our own.” He and the Poet were alone with the Ladies in Waiting. They had not gone much further when the Giant was distracted by a sink. He immediately stopped to wash his face and fix his hair. The others tried to pull him away but of course their strength was no match for his. A TES crawled out of a crack in the base of the sink. A second TES followed the first and preceded the third and… well, you get the idea. They swarmed over the sink. The Ladies in Waiting ran. The Poet gave his friend a final tug but the Giant wouldn’t budge, then he too ran. TESes swarmed over the Giant, enveloping him in a white cocoon until, instead of a Giant, there stood a white cotton ball, frozen in the act of adjusting his hair.
Several TESes chased the remaining group members. In their flight from danger, one of the Ladies got confused and took a wrong turn. The corridor abruptly ended and she realized she was on her own. TESes closed in on her and another cotton ball was formed.
Seeing they were alone and in danger of being cocooned, the remaining Lady and the Poet made every effort to end the quest by finding The Answer. Small scraps of paper covered the wall before them. “It could be one of these,” the Lady said. They began searching but the mind-numbing numbers and formulas had an adverse effect on the Poet. His eyelids grew heavy and his head began to droop. Within minutes, he stood slumped against the wall in a deep sleep filled with abstract dreams. The Lady continued searching until a series of soft clicks interrupted her thoughts. She ran to awake the Poet but the TESes got there first and, as she swatted them away, they tied her up too.
